MOVABLE TYPE : TEMPLATE

May 26, 2002
Meltdown

we woke up this morning and drove to reading. we woke up and drove to lancaster yesterday. we figured that in redneck country, and in amish country, we would be safe from the big memorial day enemy attack. imagine our discomfort as we drove right by the limerick nuclear power facility! actually, not, since we live in its shadow and can see what we fondly refer to as the "nuclear cloud" on most any clear day. the good news is, after three mile island pennsylvania probably knows how to handle a nuclear meltdown better than most places. or, i suppose you could say that three mile island proves that penna has pretty much the worst nuclear reactor builders/operators in the world, with chernobyl notably excepted.

on a more cheerful note, we discovered that both lancaster and reading have some quality outlet shopping! we entered both cities with no real need for anything and yet managed to leave each day several hundred dollars lighter and with the entire car trunk filled to capacity. *and* lancaster had a waffle house. we haven't enjoyed a quality waffle house breakfast meal in a couple of years. we had some bacon and eggs with a double order of hash browns. mike had his scattered and smothered.

oo! bonus thing i almost forgot: on the way home we stopped at some random place because we didn't see a wawa. it was called "sheetz." how weird, right? it was definitely giving our wawa a run for the money. it had a touch screen self-order screen like only the very newest wawa's have, and a frozen drinks selection to rival a snowcone stand. no more driving across town looking for frozen mountain dew. these guys had both dew *and* code red in the same lineup. not to mention pepsi, mug root beer, hawaiian punch, creamsicle, and a few other things i can't even remember. a smorgasboard of freezees. (i've shown my hand, my priorities lie in the frozen drink department). "my choice, my wawa" for homestyle chicken and noodles, but better get on your game with the icees.

Posted by ash at 11:35 PM

May 21, 2002
Night Rider

last night i was driving from philadelphia up to middle connecticut. as i was driving, at one point i was on the phone to [an important person in my company] and was not paying the best attention to the road as i was also trying to take some notes at the same time. forgot to mention: it was also night, raining, and i was on an unfamiliar toll highway. as i got off the phone i had some thought that i may have passed a green sign but nothing serious, until a moment later i noticed one on the opposite side of the road. i turned my head back to look at it. it was one exit past where i was supposed to get off. (!) at the next service area i looked around for an overpass where i could sneak around to the other side of the highway, but no such luck. i was 17 miles past my exit. i laid the map on the steering wheel. oops, off on the loud shoulder thing a bit...christ, miles and miles to the next exit.

i was desperate. it was already 9pm, i had another hour's driving at least, and i couldn't afford all this screwing around. at my next opportunity i screeched to a halt at one of those police crossovers. the ones that warn "NO U-TURN!" and "EMERGENCY VEHICLES ONLY!" and "$400 FINES FOR CIVILIAN USE!" i turned off my headlights. i stealthily motored through some trees. i was sure i would run into a cop taking a nap in there. at the other side, i gunned the engine. as much as you can gun a dodge stratus. at the first break in traffic i snapped on the lights and darted out into the opposite direction. exhilerated, i motored back toward my exit.

about two miles down the highway, i realised that i had a toll ticket for going northbound on the highway. now i was headed southbound. when i got off, how would i explain this? they'd know what i did! dammit! i raced through about ten idiotic stories in three minutes. the best i could come up with was that i had lost the ticket at a rest stop. i looked at my ticket to come up with the name of a rest stop. at the top of the ticket in red it said: "MAXIMUM TOLL CHARGED FOR LOST TICKETS." the maximum toll - $28. gulp.

i knew what i had to do. when my exit sign finally appeared i drove right on by. a mile or so down the road, i screeched to a halt at one of those police crossovers. the maneuver felt almost familiar now.

Posted by ash at 07:47 PM

May 19, 2002
Artsy Fartsy

And Moby? You can get stomped by Obie
You thirty-six year old baldheaded f*g, blow me
You don't know me, you're too old, let go
It's over, nobody listen to techno
eminem - without me (the eminem show)

tonight on SNL: moby was the musical guest. seen in a skit, him wearing a blue shirt with "i heart eminem" iron-on letters across the front. i thought it was interesting, just like i thought it was interesting that elton john appeared with him last year, etc. i wondered to mike the other day if people mentioned by name in his latest song would show support for him. free speech, non-censorship and all that. or is he just a homophobic, hateful dick?

speaking of art (was i?) $1.4 billion worth of art was found shredded and thrown into a canal after a man in a french jail confessed to a six-year crime spree in which hundreds of works were taken from museums and galleries all over europe. his mother destroyed the art in an effort to save their asses but alas, it was too late.

Posted by ash at 02:05 AM

May 11, 2002
Wrong Number

yesterday, trying to tie up loose ends on a friday afternoon, i picked up the phone to confirm some meeting arrangements. XXX-363-1*#0.

"Front Desk."

"Hi. This is Ashley F. calling from XYZ Partners. I'm calling for Mary Daly."

"Mary Daly? Is she a guest?"

"Um, no. Mary Daly the Director of Catering. I think she is at extension 1610."

"hmmm...Mary Daly..."

i'm kind of puzzled here. actually, i thought it was kind of odd the very first second that he answered with "front desk" instead of the name of the hotel. they never do that there - it's not a freaking motel 6. and who doesn't know the sales staff at their own hotel?

"Mary Daly - she is a sales manager at the hotel."

"Oh! This isn't a hotel! This is a massage therapist."

now this is another story altogether. i glance up at my computer, where i've got "book appointment with erik" on my To Do list. i have been looking for a good massage therapist since i've moved to the area, with lukewarm results. has fate stepped in?

"Well! That's good news. Do you have time to see me then?"

Silence.

"Um?"

"For a massage?"

"Actually, this is just a private cell phone."

"Hey?"

"My number is one number off from the hotel - it's 363 and the hotel is 636 - I get random calls for them all the time. Whenever I get a call from a strange number I just answer "Front Desk" and usually it works. Sorry."

"But why did you say you were a massage therapist?"

"I don't know."

people are so strange. i'm seeing erik at 4 this afternoon.

Posted by ash at 02:43 PM

May 10, 2002
Upsold

lori brought me a present today. understanding my love for novelty condiments, she bought me a bottle of mystery color ez squirt ketchup. (mine was passion pink)

at lunch time, i had to try it, so i headed to mcdonald's to get some french fries. i studied the menu as i waited in the line and decided to purchase a "quarter pounder with cheese combo." because i dislike the "upsell to biggie size" attempt at the register, i practiced the order in my head.

when i got to the counter, i stepped up to the plate, looked the mcdonald's guy right in the eye, and clearly spoke: "number three combo, no onions, MEDIUM coke to drink."

he didn't miss a beat.

"And would you like an additional Quarter Pounder with that for only 25 cents more?"

wtf? an additional quarter pounder? so if you outsmart them on the biggie size they just come at you with something else.

i gave him a strange look. but then i crumbled. i couldn't say no. hell, a 25 cent cheeseburger practically made my other one half-price.

"i guess," i said in my most resigned tone.

"No onions on that one as well?" McD's guy asked cheerfully.

"I guess."

wait! now he would think i was going to eat both of them. i wanted to yell after him to put onions on it. instead when he returned i ordered a mickey d's fries for "whoever's gonna eat this burger." yeah.

when i got back i gave the mini-meal to lori and she ditched her healthy lunch (sandwich with whole wheat bread) so we could enjoy the burgers and fries with pink ketchup. gross.

nothing but sandwiches and leftovers all next week.

Posted by ash at 06:18 PM

May 05, 2002
Blast Off

not sure if fraser is putting in the hard yards doing research for his masturbate-a-thon but i woke up to a plethora of url-y mail this morning.

no one will be surprised to hear that i am the biggest fan of astroglide on this planet (or beyond). it's slicker, sleeker, *better* than anything else around. just a couple of drops and i am a sexual astronaut. but now - it's not just great sex that we have to be raving about. fras dug up some article that said astroglide was one of three lubes that killed HIV in a study at u texas. if that turns out to be true i will start giving the stuff away every chance i get. in the meantime, we should all do our part in field testing the product as much as possible. astroglide is funding our research by providing free superslippy samples.

Posted by ash at 02:09 PM

May 03, 2002
F You

i shared a fuck story on harrumph.

Verisign sucks. please help dean allen make them pay. he likes the word "fuck" also.

(if you were too fucking lazy to click on my fucking link, you cheater - )

heather asked: "could we all agree that fuck is no longer a naughty, four letter unmentionable?"
what follows is my contribution to her "ode to fuck" -

"this is the perfect time for this. just last weekend, my family was gathered together at the event of my grandmother's funeral. i was sitting in her living room with my mother and brother, holding court on some topic or another - specifics have escaped me now - when suddenly, out of my mouth comes "I can't fucking believe that!" the F-word was halfway out when i realised my mother was in the room and thought better of it, but what could i do? i just barreled on, tried to look normal, and hoped for the best. i was expecting some reaction, but nothing. i guess, at 28, i am finally a grown-up."

Posted by ash at 10:02 PM