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March 30, 2002
OU SUCKS OU SUCKS OU SUCKS

This post is old. If you came here to read about OSU recently kicking OU in the ass, don't give up, just click here.

that's all i really have to say. i already told you that mike davis is my hero. last week people kept asking me if i would be rooting for oklahoma this weekend.

"no, why?" i said.

"isn't that where you're from?"

"i went to school at oklahoma state."

"yes, but they're in the same conference."

right. i don't cheer for duke, either. oklahoma state and oklahoma have a rivalry. carolina and duke have a rivalry. just because i graduate and move away doesn't mean i suddenly stop hating those teams and being the better person. i still hope they lose even when my teams aren't even involved in the tournament.

OU LOST! ha. ha. ha.

and mike davis won.

Posted by ash at 08:32 PM

March 27, 2002
Double Your Money

ted danson's betting on the red sox and other wacky things rich people do for fun. if anyone's got an extra $10k, i'd put it on me to *not* travel on pilotless planes, no matter when they are routinely flying.

Posted by ash at 11:12 PM

R.I.P.

dudley moore has died - mike just told me. i'm sad because i only really became aware of him a few months ago. strange, maybe, but i really am only catching up on a lifetime's worth of television and film and he was one actor i hadn't made it around to. i had heard of him, though, and for some reason when you've (or when *i've*) heard of someone a lot i suppose i assume they wouldn't have achieved some level of fame without having done some good work.

so laying around the house one day, the movie "like father, like son" came on - where dudley moore and kirk cameron somehow change places and become one another. kind of like the movie "freaky friday," only...with dudley moore and kirk cameron. i was a terrible movie! i asked mike why dudley moore would do such a terrible movie.

"what do you mean?" he asked.

"why would an actor like dudley moore do a horrible movie like this?"

"what other kind of movie has he ever done?"

i realised i had never seen any other dudley moore movie, i just figured they must have been better. a week or so later, i had the privilege of viewing "arthur" and determined that perhaps that was not true.

nonetheless, so sad to see that he has died. also the other guy. milton berle.

in other news, however - it seems that osama bin laden is not dead, the guardian got an email from him yesterday.

Posted by ash at 11:02 PM

It's A Bird..

took my dog out for a walk this morning, as usual. he wakes up quite early, and so to facilitate these bleary-eyed rambles, each night when i retire i carefully lay my pants across the foot of my bed. this way when i stumble out of it at dawn i can latch onto them quickly and get my feet into each leg without ever opening my eyes.

today, like most days, i was cursing moose at first but after a few steps out the door i felt much more wakeful and found that i was actually enjoying things. we walked up a hill and played on a patch of grass for a minute, and then i glanced back the way we had came and was alarmed to see a crumpled black pile on the path.

i knew that if it had been there when i walked up the hill i would have noticed. it looked like a small animal. or perhaps a bird with a broken wing. i was worried that if we approached moose would bite it, as he is sometimes aggressive with other animals. i briefly considered tying him to the balance beam (we have a "universal gym" trail), but then i worried that he could bite another dog if other walkers passed. stress! finally i decided to see what we were dealing with first, and then take him home and return with medical supplies if needed.

i approached the still mass slowly, holding moose tightly at heel. he seemed unconcerned. as i neared it became suddenly, horribly clear that the crumpled pile was the pair of black underwear i had worn yesterday, shaken from my pantsleg as i stumbled up the trail. after quickly surveying the surrounding area i snatched them from the ground and stuffed them into my pocket.

must start wearing contacts on a.m. walks.

Posted by ash at 04:00 PM

March 25, 2002
It's The Little Things That Count

today on ickle.org, the wee wonder of carmex. the description pretty much says it all, from the addictive smell, to the glory of the original glass pot. they even made extra large pots of carmex once, not sure if they still do that. in high school i worked in a pharmacy and sold the competing sizes side by side - people always stuck by the smaller one. eventually, other companies released their poser versions in similar small pots. while a few people converted - carmex remained the original lip treatment.

actually, the smell of carmex brings back almost everything about high school and being a teenager. everyone took accutane (no, we weren't that hideously zitty, just all had the same treatment-happy dermatologist in my small-town) so we all suffered from cracked, peeling lips. my zip code may well have boosted the stock of carma labs by 10% at least. when i was a freshman in high school i met my first boyfriend by asking him if i could borrow his carmex. twas always a bit intimate as you had to dip your finger right into the same pot. you couldn't (can't!) share your carmex with just anyone. at football games, in movie theaters, and playing those ridiculous party games, the scent of carmex always lingered in the air. especially in chilly weather. mmm!

Posted by ash at 05:11 PM

Fair Enough

backstage after denzel won best actor

a reporter asked:

do you think there will ever be a time when newspaper headlines will just say "actor wins" instead of "black actor wins?"

denzel replied:

do you work for a newspaper?

the reporter responded in the affirmative.

well make sure it doesn't happen tomorrow.

Posted by ash at 12:47 PM

March 22, 2002
PHILLY DECLARED BEST ON EARTH!

Maxim magazine has declared Philly the Greatest City on Earth. well, philly, new york, boston, and a few others. This month's maxim will feature regionally specific magazines, naming the local market the "greatest city on earth" for each of 12 cities. pretty funny, right?

not everyone thinks so. the philadelphia daily news is pissed! don russell calls it "a desperate scheme to boost circulation" and his article outlines the outrage he thinks has unearthed. don, did you read the fucking article? better yet...have you been to philly, or any of those other cities? did you honestly *believe* that philadelphia won the title of "greatest city on earth?" gimme a break!

well the story broke big this morning. every morning program had call-in shows with angry callers ready to start letter-writing campaigns. god-dammit people are stupid! would anyone have even blinked if philadelphia had SERIOUSLY been declared the greatest city on earth? because THAT is what i would have been worried about, for christ's sake.

so philadelphians - get a grip. philly is a nice place and all, but it is absolutely, positively not the greatest city in the world. sorry. if you thought for one second it might have been, please go get into your car and proceed directly to I-95, because you haven't been getting out enough.

it's been a while since i have been irritated enough to write a letter to anyone at a newspaper. but being stupid *and* insulting maxim magazine was enough to push me over the edge.

Dear Mr. Russell:

When I read your column in the Daily News yesterday, at first I thought it
was a joke, just as the article in the April issue of Maxim *clearly* is.
Surely you and Meryl Levitz aren't delusional enough to believe that
Philadelphia had really been selected as the "Greatest City on Earth?" I
mean, come on. Philly is a great place, but the greatest city in the world?

Did you read the descriptions of the other 12 cities in the Maxim article?
It was stunningly obvious that they were pulling readers' legs. If you go to
the maximonline.com website it makes numerous references to "our city of the
year" and says it is better than "your city," conspicuously leaving out any
mention of actual city names. The article was also placed at the center of
the print magazine, where it could be easily swapped out by region. You work
at a newspaper, I can't believe these things would not have occurred to you.

As far as Maxim hatching some "desperate scheme to boost circulation," they
already have stellar readership, so I would not call any action on their
part "desperate". For a magazine that has only been around since 1997, they
have been quite successful. It's because they have a biting sense of humor
that is not as bland or limp as the other magazines on American newsracks. I
can assure you that the men - and women - who like it *are* reading the
articles.

You might be interested in this timeline:
http://www.maximonline.com/press_room/20010302_timeline.html
Or this more recent article:
http://www.maximonline.com/press_room/20020117_best_circulation_performer.html

Sincerely,
AF

Posted by ash at 11:39 PM

DUKE SUCKS DUKE SUCKS

Update: Duke sucked in March, but they suck even more now! so much for all the talk about being undefeated.

march madness is even more than that in our home. when sports are on, mike often dances around the living room shrieking, then minutes later is laying on the floor weeping - i just try to maintain a nice even demeanor so moose can feel safe. but noone could control the emotion when DUKE LOST tonight in an awesome finish when jason williams choked on a free throw with 4 seconds left on the clock.

weirdest reaction of the evening: duke coach mike krzyzewski said "i'm 55 and i need a hip replaced." what does that mean? well, coach, you're out of the ncaa tournament now and you can get right on that.

i'm especially happy that indiana won because coach mike davis is a stutterer. as a speech therapist, i was excited to hear him talking about it in an interview a few days ago. he said that when he replaced satan, i mean, bobby knight at indiana he had to be in lots of press conferences and it was a nightmare because he had to talk in public a lot. he said that often he would feel himself starting to stutter and he just "say something that sounded stupid" so he could get the words out. he's my hero!

oh, and oklahoma won. if anyone cares.

Posted by ash at 02:09 AM

March 20, 2002
Be Cool, Eat A Rita's

you know it's the first day of spring when you drive by a rita's water ice and see the line out front stretching out past the parking lot and weaving along the sidewalk. mothers in line with three or four kids, teen-aged couples, young families making a night of it. they are even waiting in cold, drizzling rain. why so many people? well, march 20 is the first day of the rita's season each year, and we've been waiting anxiously for our water ice fix all winter long. but still, an hour? well, here's the secret: rita's water ice is free on march 20. that's right - you don't have to pay for it. ho! ho!

wow! you say. is rita's expensive? how much does it cost on march 21st? oh, around $2 a cup. maybe $3 if you get a large. but these cheap ass bastards will wait in line for two hours just to get a free one. mike and i really wanted a rita's today, on the first day of spring, but all the welfare cases were there waiting for their handout. we did the drive-by, looked for the "willing to pay" window, but couldn't find it. the line wasn't moving. cars were honking. i really wanted a creamsicle gelati. not today, though. no worries, once you have to pay, the line will never be more than two deep. and tomorrow's sposed to be sunny.

rita's is a philly institution. when we first moved here, we were like - "isn't it just a snow cone?" then we had to admit that it was better, but still - just italian ice, right? no way! rita's is water ice! smooth, creamy and the grooviest ice flavors. i love chocolate and orange (creamsicle). some places have great vanilla, although (shh!) i don't really like rita's vanilla. you can layer water ice with custard and have a gelati. hell, yeah! what a great thing!

everywhere we've lived there's been some great food. in oklahoma (where i grew up), of course, the beef and catfish is good. in north carolina we had amazing BBQ. maine maybe changed the way we ate the most with lobster, clam chowder, and maple syrup. but philly is catching up, and rita's is the least of it. cheesesteaks, hoagies, pretzels, incredible italian food on every corner - holy cow! where will i end up next?

food i miss: any good mexican food (or tex-mex, rather), cheese fries at eskimo joes, bob's bbq, sonic conies (although chris claims to know of something better), dips bbq, maine diner chicken a la king, chowder at federal jack's, clam shacks, sandwiches at bennett's, mince pies & wedges in bluff, fish & chips in taupo...

do you miss any food from your past?

Posted by ash at 11:55 PM

March 18, 2002
Assorted

so we've established that "the osbournes" is the most surprisingly funny new show on television. well, if mtv counts as television. but what is up with ozzy becoming a legitimate member of society all the sudden? he and wife sharon were on the New York Stock Exchange floor this morning as trading opened, and then were interviewed tonight on CNBC Business Center about their stock portfolio. okay then. osbournes!

another thing. i love the ups "brown" ad campaign. the best ad has a panther in it. i think it is a panther, but i get extremely confused about panthers, cougers, leopards, cheetahs. i never confuse any of those with lions, though. it's a black cat with very brownish eyes. not a spotted cat. and a very sexy guy talking about "brown" getting him what he wants. mesmerizing! so much for fedex being the cool, modern ones. brown!

the best flavor of snapple is diet pink lemonade. which is also a fairly *normal* flavor. yet no place carries it. but you can go anywhere and get peach kiwi tea, or dragonberry guava bean, or raspberry coffee swirl. what the hell, guys?

Posted by ash at 10:22 PM

March 17, 2002
Come Monday

heard from fraser this morning - well my voicemail did. i am such a bitch about answering the phone, and i missed the call. just as i was taking the mooser out for a walk i heard the phone go off, and figured "bah, who could that be?" didn't think fras would be getting back to londo until way later and couldn't think of anyone else i cared to talk to, so just fucked off on my walk. felt a bit dismayed to come back in ten minutes to find the message there, with the line barely cold.

so he's been delayed in sao paulo, anyhow. not home tonight. i'm not even sure why, the connection was all broken. i think he said "broken communications tower" and "be home tomorrow". it's funny, he's been gone for three weeks and i've hardly noticed not talking to him. but now that i have been thinking i would talk to him tonight i'm quite sad that i won't. funny how that works, isn't it?

and sadder still. just looked at my mobile and fraser left a voice mail there, too. what's a mobile phone for if not to carry around when you are mobile?

(yankiwi readers more here)

what is the part of human nature that causes life to speed up during those periods of relative calm, when you could be - should be - soaking the joy from every second? it is only in the more desperate hours that time slows and you are suddenly, alarmingly aware of how exquisite, how beautiful each moment; you gulp painfully from a cup that is too soon snatched from your grip.

fraser and i have tried to live each of our days together more mindfully so that we don't experience that, so that the last moments at the airport aren't the forlorn 'airport scene' goodbye. i always want to know that, whatever happens, that will never be our last memory of one another. yet i always leave with a bit of a panicked feeling that there was something left undone - some day we spent watching t.v. we might have had an adventure, some time that i was asleep that we might have instead had an important conversation.

i always thought that by living apart we would prevent this very thing, that being apart would cause each day together to be unbearably precious. but really, it's just the same thing on a smaller scale. somehow we have gotten especially good at being apart. once we are together, it's as if we have always been. our hands fit together so comfortably. i can't tell if this should make me happy or sad.

Posted by ash at 01:34 PM

March 13, 2002
Strike Up The Band

and happy birthday, simon. i had to save it for last, otherwise it wouldn't be on top. ho ho. i'm the clever one.

Posted by ash at 08:55 PM

O Mall Worker, Satan's Minion

last night my (pregnant) friend lori and i went out for lunch (casey's) and just as we got back to the office it occurred to us that what we really wanted was a cookie. actually, it occurred to her. as a pregnant person it will occur to you frequently, and with great urgency, that you need something. as a supportive friend, i can easily be talked into most anything. alas, we had whiled away our hour having real food and had no time left to drive the twenty or so minutes to the granite run mall, where the closest mrs. fields cookie stand exists. drat. she made me swear to leave on the stroke of 5:15 to accompany her to the granite run mall to get a cookie.

"just this once," i vowed.

(yankiwi readers, find the rest on www.strangecurrency.com)

entering the mall, we wasted no time in finding the mall directory and locating an atm machine. securing the funds for several dozen cookies, we proceeded to the mrs. fields cookie stand. fuck! a sign reading "i have gone to the bathroom" was up. first off, it's kind of gross to think that someone who is about to handle your food is going to the bathroom. but hey, everyone's got to sometime. so, whatever. but then, if you actually stand there and wait, your mind can't help but think, what is he *doing*? which leads to... well, you know.

so we decided to leave and shop a little. even though we *really* wanted a cookie. we went a looked for some shoes. i was looking for some nike air visi mazy sneakers. i found some in champs but only in white and grey. then we went to foot locker and they had them in tarheel blue just like i wanted, but they hurt my foot. then we went back by the mrs. fields cookie stand, but still no cookie guy. so we went to lady foot locker and no visi mazy sneakers at all but they had the air presto and i liked those but only the white mesh kind and i couldn't wear white mesh. so we retreated, regrouped and headed off to finish line. they had tons of presto and i tried on 4 pairs before deciding on blue!

so, "for god's sake, any luck with the cookies?" you must be wondering. well, of course that's the real point of this story. i'm just screwing up the courage to tell it. so after i bought the shoes, we go to the cookie stand and finally, someone is there. as we apprach, i notice he is fat and wearing a sublime t-shirt. no, not sublime, sublime. ok, i can forgive him, on both counts. but then, he doesn't ask us what we want. he just kind of looks at us. so, joking around, i say "so where have you been?" oh, christ.

"I had to go to the bathroom! And then buy my girlfriend a birthday gift! I've been working 12 hour shifts the last three days. And 16 hours over the weekend - both days! I'm not even kidding - and they are trying to promote me to manager..."

on and on in this vein for a minute or two. i interrupt after that and point to the semi-sweet mini's. "i'll take a half-dozen of those," i say. lori points to the milk chocolate. "one of those," she says.

"What?" he says.

"the cookies. we want some cookies." i am using my stern voice.

"Oh, yeah. Hey, with that accent, I can tell you aren't from here. Let me guess - Texas!"

"um, no. oklahoma." i am still pointing at the cookies. he has now walked to the back of the stand and is yelling to me from behind the drink machine.

"I'm gonna try to name all the states that border Texas - I think there's about twelve or something. Nevada..."

"no, nevada doesn't," fuck. then i am pissed off that i am actually talking to this nimwit.

"Oh, yeah yeah. Wait. Um. Ok, like New Mexico, uhhh.....Louisiana.......does Utah?"

"no, not utah." i find myself actually wanting to tell him hoping this will speed things up. and where the hell is he? he hasn't come out from behind the drink machine yet.

finally he emerges and before he can say anything else i point dramatically at the cookies and say loudly: "so that'll just be six mini's and the one milk chocolate."

he looks at me from behind these jars as if i am crazy and says "I'm going to get them for you as soon as I can get this bleeding stopped."

horrified, lori and i just stare as he stands there, ten inches away from shelves and shelves of cookies holding wadded up napkins to his face. with bare hands. after a few moments he pulls them away and asks "Now what did you want?"

but before we could say a word a thin red trickle of blood began to run down his lip. he cursed and ducked behind the drink machine, i can only surmise for more napkins. i grabbed lori's arm and we ran, all the way to sbarro's.

Posted by ash at 07:37 PM

March 11, 2002
Six Months Later

Vapor trails used to make me think
of spelling, pilots drawing giant
words, or maps.
were they going to my home?
toward the coast?
to their love?
each glint of silver a possibility.
watching from the window,
at least my spirit was free.
will I always feel so betrayed?
now a plane is just a vehicle.

Posted by ash at 11:03 AM

March 03, 2002
Weird World

what the *F* is going on in afghanistan? did we just forget about it now that we saw a couple of pictures of women with their burquas off? we shouldn't - people are still over there fighting. a lot of them. from a cnn story - which you kinda have to look for, as the war on terrorism only gets a pretty small billing on the front page anymore:

"Afghan soldiers returning from the front lines said they were badly outnumbered... Some estimated as many as 5,000 al Qaeda fighters were holed up..."

and the things you do hear on the news are kinda creepy. today:

"Last night, U.S. forces attacked xx with a new bomb that kills by suffocating or incinerating those hiding in caves by releasing a wave of pressure."

yep - the phone memo thing again. i am getting good at it. but i don't know - you'd think the invention of a whole new bomb would be a bigger deal.

and i was just wondering - who the hell is this enlightening information on the cnn.com afghanistan factsheet meant for? don't get me wrong... i realize that many americans probably don't know this stuff - but i seriously doubt that they are reading/can read cnn.

WHO'S WHO:

Osama bin Laden: Saudi Arabian-born leader of the al Qaeda terrorist network who is accused of masterminding the September 11 strikes on the United States.

George W. Bush: U.S. president

Dick Cheney: U.S. vice president

Vladimir Putin: President of Russia

Posted by ash at 08:01 PM

March 02, 2002
On a Saturday Afternoon

on my way in to work (on a saturday afternoon, no less) was obsessively mulling over whether or not beth eggers has really killed herself (and if not what a hideous hoax) when a van pulled in front of me with about five largeish tin signs screwed into the metal along the back of it and hand lettered with religious slogans. the fact that they were hand painted and, well, so earnest looking and actually screwed into the metal of the vehicle fascinated me almost as much as the weirdness of the words:

"your arms are too short to box with god"
"he may be slow but he's always on time" (this one with a badly drawn cross)
"he said it, i read it, that settles it"

i am actually quoting these word for word, i know because i was so taken by them that i used the 'memo' function on my phone to record them, which i almost never do. between staring at the van and fumbling with my phone and my preoccupation with the state of dave eggers' family, i missed my exit and had to drive an extra 7 miles to turn around on my way to work on a saturday afternoon.

Posted by ash at 06:26 PM