February 26, 2002
Party On

in honor of my brother's new gaming system, i will do a video games review and recommendation for him. ashley suggests:

grand theft auto 3 - where you can run down cops, beat up old people, sleep with prostitutes to recharge your energy - and then run over them to get your money back. nice and violent. this will help you vent the pent up anger you seem to feel from dealing with the people you work with and live among.

black and white - the game *i* most want to play. because what i most want to be, of course, is god.

but the perfect game for you, brother - well, it's clearly this one. i was thinking you, joel, and cas could write a sequel. but unless you get a more exciting life you'd have to call it "pimps on the couch."

Posted by ash at 04:31 PM

February 25, 2002
But Will There Be Dead Things?

you know that mtv show "cribs", right - where athletes and rappers rent a furnished house with their first million and let mtv come over and traipse through while they talk shit? last week mike and i were watching t.v. and ozzy osbourne's "cribs" episode came on. and we were confused.

"wait, this is his second cribs! why does ozzy even make a cribs at all, and then, why does he make a part two!?"

his whole family is in on it, too. and it's not like the rappers and athletes - this is no rent-a-mansion... he's actually got his kids' pictures on the walls. his wife and daughter walking through each room telling jokes and personal stories.

after his 16 year old daughter drags an original warhol marilyn out of the closet and explains how a maid accidentally peeled off a sticker and "like, totally decreased the value of it" we said "they are enjoying this a little too much." most of the celebrities are shoving mtv out the door after ten minutes.

so saturday, we're watching t.v. again and all the sudden tenacious d is on (kick ass!) making like ozzy - WTF?? is it a new video? no way! no. fucking. way. it was an MTV promo for a reality television show which will feature the osbourne family. just living. apparently they enjoyed doing cribs I and II so much that they agreed to let MTV come over and just film life at the osbourne home. whoa.

Posted by ash at 11:45 PM

February 21, 2002
Thank God For HBO

i keep talking to people i know and they don't have hbo. i don't even know how you can live without hbo. i mean, i don't even like t.v. and i couldn't live without hbo. what good show isn't on hbo? sex & the city, oz, the sopranos, and six feet under, which is my new favorite show.

last night, the last episode - "a private life" - replayed, and it was better than most movies. so painful! billy went mental and david finally came out to his mother - at last! and also to frederico after he was being homophobic about the friends of a gay client. mike noted that there is a lot of gay content on hbo, but we decided that, rather, gay and straight are fairly and proportionately represented on hbo just as they are in the population, and if only the whole world watched hbo, in one more generation we wouldn't have so many problems. ambitious? yes. but we aren't afraid to confront the world's pain head-on.

anyway, if you are american i hope you have hbo, and if you aren't you should thank god because you probably get these shows on regular cable and you are one step up on most americans who are too fucking cheap to pay $8 a month for the best channel on television. be inspired by this npr interview with michael patrick king, and in the everlasting words of alan ball - "thank god for hbo!"

Posted by ash at 09:22 PM

February 20, 2002
Axis of Stupid

so monday george actually *causes* the yen to drop against the dollar by mistakenly telling reporters he had discussed the "devaluation issue" with koizumi when he had actually discussed deflation. how many times can the white house just brush off his "slips of the tongue?" at what point do you "misspeak" enough times for people to realize you have no fucking idea what you are talking about?

Posted by ash at 11:10 AM

February 17, 2002
Blessed Are The Impulsive Shoppers

after all the work on the plumbing last week we were in a real home-improvements mood this weekend, so yesterday morning (well, ok around 1pm once we both woke up) we decided to go to sears and look at new dishwashers. as we wandered through the aisles, comparing high-flow wash systems and five-point filtration we noticed that we were remarkably unbothered by the salesmen who were hounding all the tidy families surrounding us. i guess we weren't likely prospects in our baggy khakis and sweatshirts. we grumbled that we probably make more money than any of them; but in any case, we had a pleasant, unpressured shopping experience.

disconcertingly, the dishwasher section of the store was placed exactly alongside the meagre electronics area. we tried to focus on home appliances, but our television *has* been acting up lately. we decided to go over just to explore how much a new one would run. just to see if it's worth fixing the old one or if we might as well buy a new one. and we began to understand, for the first time, the gaping chasm between *regular* t.v and high definition t.v. it became clear that we could no longer watch standard television. we decided to head to circuit city, which is more of an electronics store, rather than home appliances. i mean, with the new plumbing, we can just keep doing the dishes by hand.

at circuit city, they had dozens of HDTVs. so many decisions. can't just go for the cheapest - that's a zenith. what the hell is a zenith? and if you are going to invest in one better get the big one with a cinema display. wow! we began to talk about how we could rearrange the living room to take advantage of this new television, buy a new playstation...quit our jobs...

in the end we decided that perhaps the best course of action was to get the old t.v. fixed and wait a while before buying an enormous new one. dejectedly, we began to wander around the store. over to the computer section, of course.

now, if you care about such things, you may know that apple is discontinuing their relationship with circuit city. as such, circuit city would like to get any existing apple computers out of their stores as soon as possible. this circuit city had two left: one dalmation imac and one ibook. we walked around the ibook slowly. we already have an imac, so that wasn't hard. but the ibook was so thin and pretty. it was deeply discounted. pennsylvania was forgiving sales taxes on computers for the week. and circuit city was offering an extra hundred dollars off notebooks for the day. we'd been so good all day, how could we say no?

Posted by ash at 03:46 PM

February 16, 2002
Barking Butthole

yesterday morning i got an e-valentine from my darling roommate. first of all, it was a day late - yeah, yeah, only by a half hour - whatever. the day was over! secondly - it was an E-valentine. an ELECTRONIC valentine. those might be fine for your ELECTRONIC friends, but for a gal who's been suffering through your obsession with WWF for six years...i dunno. to top it all off - last night as we were eating at a crap franchise food outlet he asked me if i'd received it.

"yeah," i said, "woof. ha."

"i sent it to lots of people."

!! so not only did i get an E-valentine, a day late, he sent it to me in a mass-mailing!

in contrast, i looked for the perfect thing for him, and presented him with elvis chocolates that sing when you open them. and a WWF "the rock" card that oddly carries the message "i don't care who your valentine is." i didn't really understand that one but had hoped he would, being a fan and all.

i don't mean to seem ungrateful, or really even all that concerned with valentine's day. fraser and i don't even really get each other anything. it's weird - i guess when it comes to roommate and i, the best word to describe our relationship is longsuffering. on both sides. any opportunity to recognize the milestone of reaching another year without killing each other should not go unmarked.

Posted by ash at 02:01 PM

February 14, 2002
Go To Hell

the biggest hit for me today has been bittersweets (valentine's candy for the rest of us). with messages like "time 2 trade up" and "i deserve better" i can say what i really feel all day today and people will just laugh. i did stay up all night making cards for all my friends. i even wrote poetry. they both seemed very appreciative.

Posted by ash at 03:07 PM

February 12, 2002
And I Thought Sprint Sucked

you always hear that noone is really happy with his cell phone provider, but at least they usually don't charge you for complaining about your service. this guy's bill had a surprise on it this month: a $337.50 penalty for "being an arrogant bastard." telecom nz is "appalled and embarrassed."

Posted by ash at 07:13 PM

February 08, 2002
Is That Loaded?

a philly fourth-grader was shot in the face yesterday after his classmate's mom - A PHILLY COP - passed her loaded gun around the classroom as she picked her son up from school. oops.

Acting Commissioner Sylvester M. Johnson called the officer's actions "unheard of and inexcusable."

"We're grateful that the injuries were not more serious. . . . It's fortunate that no one got killed today," Johnson said. "I cannot give you a logical explanation for Officer Vanessa Carter-Moragne's poor judgment."

what i can't give you a logical explanation for is the reaction from the parents at the school. one kindergartener's dad said he 'wanted to know more about what happened;'

"I was relieved to find out that it was an off-duty officer and not another student."

WHAT?? it's better for an off-duty police officer to shoot your kid in the face than another student? explain.

it seems like the schools *and* the cops are pretty fucked around here. the state has been trying to seize control of philadelphia city schools for ages, they are so poorly managed. the police are constantly in the news - how can i choose just one?

human rights watch
revolutionary worker articles one and two
republican national convention
beating thomas jones
beat cop stories

Posted by ash at 12:48 PM

Homeless Joe

two nights ago mike and i headed out to cvs for something or other and i happened to see a copy of the pottstown mercury (don't ask) there. mike wouldn't let me buy it but an article caught my eye because the subtitle mentioned that the "township's only homeless resident," homeless joe, had been found dead. it seemed poignant to me that, well, first that the township had only one homeless resident and that they couldn't find a way to *home* him, for christ's sake. and then, i guess, that he was dead.

so tonight i remembered that mike wouldn't let me buy it - he told me to look the story up online. so when i looked up the story i was surprised to find five or six of them. imagine this: the only homeless guy in this whole township, after a week of not seeing him around someone calls the police because they are worried about it. the police went to look in the patch of woods where they knew he slept and found his body there. there are all these stories about the community pulling together, donating all the money and stuff to give him a proper burial. people saying things like:

"For the past few years he was in here every day," said KFC employee Bob White. "But nobody bothered to notice until he was gone," and:

"He is fondly remembered for not bothering anyone, never panhandling and often refusing handouts."

fondly remembered for not bothering anyone? well, great. good for you guys. as i got into these articles suddenly they didn't seem so much like the warm human interest stories i had initially thought them to be. i got sort of angry that these people came up with over ten thousand dollars in three days to bury a man yet they left him to live homeless among them for maybe twenty years.

the police sgt. said: "It was his decision to live like that." for some reason that just doesn't seem rational to me. that's like saying someone decided to chop off their leg. would you let them or try to get them some help?

two people from the community described past interactions with "homeless joe" for reporters. one had spoken to joe when he was forced to move his camp because of road construction. he asked joe how he felt about having to move.

joe said "I'm used to it."
"used to what?"
"getting out of the way."

the other was a woman who brought joe a blanket one bitterly cold thanksgiving and asked him to come home and spend the night in her basement. he agreed, but only on the condition that the door remain unlocked so that he could leave at any time. he was gone by the time she woke up the next morning.

Posted by ash at 12:58 AM

February 07, 2002
Everyone Feels Despondent

my brother posted his colorgenics profile today and encouraged everyone to go create their own. well, i did; and it's even worse than i thought. you may want to remove any sharp objects before clicking the "more" button. see why i hate this kind of crap? incidentally, i also did some e-mode predict your wedding date thing today (yes, very productive day at work) and it said YOU WILL BE MARRIED BY: Saturday, June 24, 2006 which made me feel really optimistic.

Everyone feels despondent at times ... and you are no exception. You are feeling so depressed because it seems that everything that could go wrong has gone wrong and you don't quite know which way to turn. So like the proverbial ostrich - you are trying to bury your head in the sand ... But that won't work. You have to face reality .....

You are very self-sufficient and methodical. You presume to know where you are going.. but need to find a person who will recognise the way you are ... not be too demanding and who is, as they say in Italy, "Simpatico".

You are confined and trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation, and seeking some way out. Whatever you seem to do to resolve the problem hasn't worked out. Fortunately you are able to gain some aspect of relief from someone close to you....

For some time now your hopes and expectations have been denied...and because of this you are becoming withdrawn and introverted.Continual disappointment has manifested itself in you becoming both suspicious and restrained...you have become withdrawn from others and have receded more and more into yourself. You seem to have lost your innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that you may be carried away by it only to find that you are wasting your time. You are loath to trust people as in the past your trust has been misplaced. You seem to be keeping yourself cautiously aloof from others. At this moment in time your attitude is to trust no-body...until they can prove themselves to you.

At this time you don't particularly like yourself. Everything that you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong. This makes you feel that there is no point in trying to start again. Apart from being stressed and tense, you are angry with yourself and have unadmitted self-contempt. Your refusal to admit that you and you alone is the basic cause of your problems, and this leads to you adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude. If you take stock of yourself.... smile a little.. and let go ... everything will turn out OK. Have you not heard of the cliche..Smile and the World smiles with you - Cry and you cry alone!

Posted by ash at 09:56 PM

PISS OFF

ivan massow, former head of london's institute of contemporary art, had something quite shocking to say in last month's new statesman:

"For a number of years, I've had a nagging voice in my head telling me [contemporary art] is all hype and frequently no substance."

he went on to describe it as "pretentious, self-indulgent, craftless tat that [he] wouldn't accept even as a gift," and topped the whole thing off by saying that the art world is in "danger of disappearing up its own arse."

tracey emin has been taking the whole thing a bit personally. i don't blame her for thinking that any calling of modern art "crap" is applicable to her own work, but no need to single her out.

last year, when a piece of damien hirst's "work" was thrown in the bin by a janitor who mistook it for trash, cultural historian robert hewison said: "The truth is that ever since Duchamp declared a urinal to be a work of art, artists have enjoyed the right to declare whatever they do a work of art. Conversely, we must allow cleaners to declare whatever they do as their work."

but seriously, and sadly, massow resigned tuesday and possibly the only person with any intelligence whatsoever was driven out of the ICA. i mean, i don't want to start a big discussion about art, but i'm not afraid to say that when it comes to shit on a stick - i don't get it and i don't want to.

Posted by ash at 01:50 PM

February 06, 2002
Happy Waitangi Day...

...to all the NZers i know and anyone else who cares. in honor of this day of leisure (if you have the day off), drunkenness (if you are abroad wishing you were home celebrating waitangi day with your old mates), sadness (if you feel like your people got ripped off), and confusion (if you don't know what the hell a waitangi is), go check out the funniest kiwi joke i know. it gets forwarded to me every three months or so, and every time it is the most hilarious thing i've ever heard. what luck, then, that on this special day someone else loves it as much as i.

Posted by ash at 05:55 PM

Stupidity Watch

from WSJ.com's Opinion Journal:

Celebrating the Patriots' upset victory in the Super Bowl, Sen. Ted Kennedy declares (third item): "At a time when our entire country is banding together and facing down individualism, the Patriots set a wonderful example, showing us all what is possible when we work together, believe in each other, and sacrifice for the greater good." Facing down individualism? Teddy must've heard Osama bin Laden say something about the Koran and thought he said "Ayn Rand."

Posted by ash at 12:30 PM

February 05, 2002
Bad Day

woke this morning at 6:30am to take the dog out, just as i do most mornings. my toes were blue with cold. as i got my shoes on in the doorway i shouted up to mike that i was freezing to death. he paid me about as much mind as usual and went back to sleep. ten minutes or so later i was in a hot shower and shivered my way through my morning ablutions. when i finally woke the darling roommate an hour later - he wakes up and starts bitching about the cold. checks the thermostat: "it's fifty fucking degrees in here!"

"well, i told you it was cold!"

"you didn't check??"

"i didn't have to check! i *knew* it was cold!"

in any case, the thermostat confirmed it - fifty degrees in the house. we tried flicking things on and off, me down in the basement, him upstairs. then the other way round. circuit breaker on, circuit breaker off. bah, nothing. but, christ, this isn't a good day for it - my car's broken down for the second time this month, and we have to drop it off at the shop this morning and share a car today. what to do?
quick conference and decide we'll both have to stay home - i can't just take his car to philly and leave him stranded here. first crisis handled: we take my car to the shop and make it home by 9:30am.

next: yellow pages. find an HVAC guy. the first three are very friendly and will be happy to make a house call for a hundred bucks - and in a day or two. no wait! we are home from work today! and it's fifty degrees in our house! oh wait, clarifies one finally, you have no heat? doh! are there a *lot* of people calling at ten o'clock on tuesday morning just to schedule regular preventative maintenance calls. not even emergency heat? no, nothing. it's fifty degrees in our house. well, they still aren't sure if they can work us in.

at 1pm we are still waiting for the call. WTF?? so i start calling the non-name brand companies and start calling people with names like "super air". woo, good call. super air guy can be here in an hour. five hours and $2500 later, we have a new heat pump and motor. and damn, is it warm in here. i don't know if we got ripped off, but moose bit him in the nuts so i am just glad we didn't get sued.

as long as we were home we thought about calling a chimney sweep and a plumber to install our garbage disposal, but we didn't want to do every responsible homeowner task at once. that would be too responsible.

Posted by ash at 10:27 PM

February 03, 2002
FINALLY!

After years of ridicule, finally some reward for being a Boston sports fan!

"The fans of New England have been waiting 42 years for this day" - Bob Kraft

Posted by ash at 10:07 PM

I Prefer Astroglide

i am pretty sensitive to injustice. i don't like to see anyone treated badly. but the people who are complaining about the conditions that al quaeda detainees are being held under confuse me. i haven't seen anything so far that seems particularly egregious about our treatment of them, and something i have just read leads me to believe their spirits are far from crushed:

since they know they are being watched, they do things to freak out the soldiers watching them - especially women and snipers. some notable antics: masturbating while staring into your eyes, pissing on their equipment, naked cartwheels, and best of all - putting toothpaste into their asses.

read more about it here

Posted by ash at 05:48 PM