O Mall Worker, Satan's Minion

last night my (pregnant) friend lori and i went out for lunch (casey's) and just as we got back to the office it occurred to us that what we really wanted was a cookie. actually, it occurred to her. as a pregnant person it will occur to you frequently, and with great urgency, that you need something. as a supportive friend, i can easily be talked into most anything. alas, we had whiled away our hour having real food and had no time left to drive the twenty or so minutes to the granite run mall, where the closest mrs. fields cookie stand exists. drat. she made me swear to leave on the stroke of 5:15 to accompany her to the granite run mall to get a cookie.

"just this once," i vowed.

(yankiwi readers, find the rest on www.strangecurrency.com)

entering the mall, we wasted no time in finding the mall directory and locating an atm machine. securing the funds for several dozen cookies, we proceeded to the mrs. fields cookie stand. fuck! a sign reading "i have gone to the bathroom" was up. first off, it's kind of gross to think that someone who is about to handle your food is going to the bathroom. but hey, everyone's got to sometime. so, whatever. but then, if you actually stand there and wait, your mind can't help but think, what is he *doing*? which leads to... well, you know.

so we decided to leave and shop a little. even though we *really* wanted a cookie. we went a looked for some shoes. i was looking for some nike air visi mazy sneakers. i found some in champs but only in white and grey. then we went to foot locker and they had them in tarheel blue just like i wanted, but they hurt my foot. then we went back by the mrs. fields cookie stand, but still no cookie guy. so we went to lady foot locker and no visi mazy sneakers at all but they had the air presto and i liked those but only the white mesh kind and i couldn't wear white mesh. so we retreated, regrouped and headed off to finish line. they had tons of presto and i tried on 4 pairs before deciding on blue!

so, "for god's sake, any luck with the cookies?" you must be wondering. well, of course that's the real point of this story. i'm just screwing up the courage to tell it. so after i bought the shoes, we go to the cookie stand and finally, someone is there. as we apprach, i notice he is fat and wearing a sublime t-shirt. no, not sublime, sublime. ok, i can forgive him, on both counts. but then, he doesn't ask us what we want. he just kind of looks at us. so, joking around, i say "so where have you been?" oh, christ.

"I had to go to the bathroom! And then buy my girlfriend a birthday gift! I've been working 12 hour shifts the last three days. And 16 hours over the weekend - both days! I'm not even kidding - and they are trying to promote me to manager..."

on and on in this vein for a minute or two. i interrupt after that and point to the semi-sweet mini's. "i'll take a half-dozen of those," i say. lori points to the milk chocolate. "one of those," she says.

"What?" he says.

"the cookies. we want some cookies." i am using my stern voice.

"Oh, yeah. Hey, with that accent, I can tell you aren't from here. Let me guess - Texas!"

"um, no. oklahoma." i am still pointing at the cookies. he has now walked to the back of the stand and is yelling to me from behind the drink machine.

"I'm gonna try to name all the states that border Texas - I think there's about twelve or something. Nevada..."

"no, nevada doesn't," fuck. then i am pissed off that i am actually talking to this nimwit.

"Oh, yeah yeah. Wait. Um. Ok, like New Mexico, uhhh.....Louisiana.......does Utah?"

"no, not utah." i find myself actually wanting to tell him hoping this will speed things up. and where the hell is he? he hasn't come out from behind the drink machine yet.

finally he emerges and before he can say anything else i point dramatically at the cookies and say loudly: "so that'll just be six mini's and the one milk chocolate."

he looks at me from behind these jars as if i am crazy and says "I'm going to get them for you as soon as I can get this bleeding stopped."

horrified, lori and i just stare as he stands there, ten inches away from shelves and shelves of cookies holding wadded up napkins to his face. with bare hands. after a few moments he pulls them away and asks "Now what did you want?"

but before we could say a word a thin red trickle of blood began to run down his lip. he cursed and ducked behind the drink machine, i can only surmise for more napkins. i grabbed lori's arm and we ran, all the way to sbarro's.

Wednesday 13-Mar-02