Bloody Wednesday

derry solemnly remembers those lost 30 years ago today; today i woke up remembering a friend i somehow lost when she went to derry a year ago.
a friend, the most magical friend you could imagine, left america to go home to ireland last april. now i'm not even sure how to find her. i have only received a few sporadic communications from her, all of which only leave me worried and confused. the last was a christmas card wishing me love, but with no return address. i miss her so much. i have lain in bed awake at night, thinking of how i might just go to derry and look for her. or woken from a dream, mind racing over what sort of trouble she must be in not to have called. or is it that i've made her angry? round and round i twist it on long commutes home and when i should be paying attention.

reflecting on my own track record as a friend, sometimes i think i might be getting what i deserve. i've not been the best friend to other people. the ten year anniversary of my high school graduation approaches and i am in touch with exactly zero persons from my high school class. only a handful from my entire high school, even if i include my own brother. moving on to college, it's even worse. i can't remember the surnames of two of my roommates, and i can only remember the third because i was married to him. i certainly never kept in touch with any of them long after i left stillwater. same thing with graduate school. in short, with me it's pretty much out of sight, out of mind. so it's interesting that i am finding it so painful to be on the other side of the same game. i guess this is the reason that i don't like extending myself.

Wednesday 30-Jan-02